OMG, this year is… certainly something.

I… have an odd time with this year. A mixed year I supposed, Good year when it comes to career as artist, Mixed year when it comes to myself in general but even then I make some progress in my recovering in terms of mental health. o]-[

Let's start with art first so you don't have to read my story about mental health and stuff since I don't think too many people is interested in that in the first place.

I think first half of this year starting pretty slow until I decided to work on comic and go to con for the first time (and like unfortunately this is also fursqure last event so er… yeah)

Really hard but that might be because it's my 1st time and it's 40 pages long with fully colored smut xD but looking back i'm really proud of myself for pushing through and go all out on it. It's a gamble since like I said, I don't event know if I'm going to finish it or will it sell or even plan anything in advance much. I just see they open for a booth and I just register it.

At first, I struggle a lot even when coming up with story because I'm not really draw what is mainstream. It's really a niche thing. Lesbian furry is ALWAYS a niche thing in Thailand so it does impact me a lot when it comes to my own insecurity. So… I print only 10 copies of my comic.

What happen is all of them sold out within 1 hour of event opening which is WILD to me because i'm basically no name artist in Thailand and throughout my attempt to sell my art in Thailand, I never get a single commission there. So to see all of my comic sold out within 1 hour and then more pre-order is just wow??? I also signed a couple of copies because someone ask me to and yeah I never really thought someone will ask me to sign on my work. It was an awesome experience! (the furry con happen the same as education event is funny af)

I think the most recognizable improvement in my art artstyle and coloring. The line itself is less messy as I also use color to do the lineart as well. It results it a more easy looking style, cleaner and less 'stiff'. Which I dig it.

For OC of the year, I will give it to Europa, Truly. I start 2024 with her ref sheet with minor redesign and come up with first story of her, I didn't connect to it too much but when I wanted to draw with Zodia, I don't like that Europa look like to 'girl love interest' character or accessories for Zodia. I hate that, so I try again to develop her as a character instead of just 'love interests'.

Currently, her story and character development is coming nicely. And I love her so MUCH! I always wanted character who's kind and gentle but not weak and also down right dangerous + a legit force of nature but they're good person. She's also… a character that I accidentally can relate and quickly become one of my comfort character to draw as I also struggle with something similar to her. Which lead me to my mental health stuff…. :'D

This year, I go back to get a treatment for my mental health after not able to get it for a year or two due to money issue (it's covid so yeah) so this year I officially grads during April, and also I almost lash out to random persons that almost result in physical violence. I don't have my emergency meds with me, but I'm able to hold myself back.

I know that something is wrong with me but being aggressive usually happen when i'm too tired and I feel like i'm losing control, I don't think any of that is happening to me during this. But it never really reach it bad so I seek help with my doc. The result is…. I don't know, I think it forces me to face myself? I was diagnosed with developing anti-social personality, I mean… I do expect something like borderline but never anti-social. It's hard but er, unfortunately. I have it, and I'm not sure if it can be gone but at least I know it can be better or I can be better and controlling it. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I can cure my depression either but hey I mean there's a chance even if it a little. I'm good at making myself surprised and exceed my own expectation so maybe this will be another thing I win too.

I lose some friends when I come out and being honest with them but only some, majority are still with me and understand and support me which I couldn't really or want to ask for more. I try a lot of things this year. Trial and mostly error but in doing so I gain more understanding of what trigger my aggression and found a med that work well with me. So I think my road to recovery or rather more accurate 'adjusting' during next year will be better. So please if I did something you think it's offensive or hurtful do feel free to tell me so I can take note of it. Although if you're being an ass to me first then haha no.

I mostly vent out my aggression through game but sometimes also art, but it's more sexual in nature. Like asserting dominance and my kink play out nicely with it. It's a good way to vent, I think. Like for example, I love playing KF2 because it satisfied both of my 'side' I love power fantasy of bashing and crushing what I think is 'lower' than me lol and the gore and the blood is very satisfying in deed. I also love KF2 for it being co-op. I love playing as either healing or tank. I'm more of a supportive role, so I LOVE playing as medic a lot. It's a game that both reward my aggression and my desire to be supportive and help other. It's also pretty therapeutic, like I have a good sleep after playing it lol

Art wise, a lot of kink, yeah. I'm both sadistic and a masochist sooooooo it nice to have character that represent me and I get to draw them as both 'dom' and 'sub' although if I feel like what I draw is too aggressive I will just put a password on it and post only on my personal art website. I have a lot of fun making ych and weird ideas xD I hope to make more, but I don't think I can make a lot of full-blown tf sequence, so I think I will just make quick colored sketch doodle stuff for ych.

Speaking of work, I also really need to tone down or find a way to make my workaholic condition better, I found myself saying I will rest but either I don't or I keep thinking about working when I try to rest. There are quite a lot of time this year's that I work, and my arms are hurt, or I feel really ill and unable to work, so I try to rest only to get beat down by my brain for being 'lazy'.

My workaholic is not a fun quirky thing like 'haha I'm so hardworking! I would rather not hang out w friend so I can work woohoo' it's a legit addiction now at this point. I always think about work and when I don't work I feel all kind of stress, depression and in worst case self unalive by my own hand thought which happen to me recently.

My aggression is also linked to my depression, so it's domino. I have to be careful about it so It will be beneficial and a must for me to be mindful of myself so I don't hurt myself and other. I plan to explore more hobby so I can find something to do that will separate me from my art. I'm not sure what or how to balance it since my job is full-time freelancer artist, so I need all the work and money I can get to survive. There must be a way. I will find the happy middle somehow. With that, I think I will not be opening my substar just yet. I mean I have an account, but I never really promote it or offer anything much. With my current condition, I don't think it's wise to open for more way for work to consume my life.

I also fell sick a lot during later Oct - Dec. probably… because of work and weather combined or something.

I don't really have a plan for 2025. I don't really follow it. Maybe I can make it a possible thing to do instead of making a checklist? I do want to focus on myself more than work but eh with my current condition…. I am… not sure. But I will try! Thank you for your support as always. I think I need to learn how to say something that I will show my appreciation more than just 'thank you' because I really meant it but I say thank you a lot. I'm afraid that it will lose meaning.