2025posts:2025_journal:2025-06-28_rambling_about_my_condition []

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So last week, I went to psychiatrist as normal but um I would say it a good step forward but not without some back draw.

First So all of my condition are confirmed to be a result of BPD (borderline personality disorder) both of my depression and also my aggression. So we can cross dysthymia and 'developing ASPD' out. With a side of seasonal mood disorder and if this seasonal mood disorder is true like what we discuss them on August, I will need another 2 weeks break. Which that is a huge step in recovery because now it explain both of my ... duality, let just say that. Although there's something some question left to be learned about my aggressive side. From what I understand is I have a period when my emotion overwhelm my thought and that make me super sensitive and then there are a time when my though overwhelm my emotion so I kinda 'cut' my feeling out and make me likely to hurt other. But what I have already learned should help me with managing my condition, or at least it should be easier to find resource for such.

Sadly, that I will have to be stuck with a cycle of depression and aggression for a while, but I'm sure I can beat both of them too. A good thing-ish is I've noticed a less suicidal idealization, which is a huge plus. And me exploring a bit more... gorey stuff but in a consent way does help out with my aggression too. Ya know vore, cannibalism and stuff like it. And knowing that I have BPD does explain with my tendency to feel separate or not welcome in my own space aka my own account. I'm... not sure how to prevent it honestly but keep my personal art and commission separately should work.

I'd also like to share some video that I feel like explain my feeling best
https://youtu.be/CPJu-ps4tfg

I did my personal art as hobby and also is my kink. My kink is my hobby. I love doing them, but when I post it they're mixed with my commission art. I feel like my personal kink art become something less about me but more about 'making content for the sake of it' like sure I enjoy it, but also it's not just mindless fun that I kinda need. If I make it for myself then I don't have to think about other much but because I monetized my kink = my hobby so.... my hobby has become less about me. 'Will people like it if I include these in art? What about this one? Or that one?" is a question that is full in my head. I feel... wrong. I feel like I'm ungrateful for every support I have. Every time my personal art get out perform in terms of view, I feel rejected. Somehow personal even, but I think it's kinda normal when you work as a creative. When you're a freelance artist, there is no such things as 'can't let the number tied with your self-worth'. Or at least that is how I feel. Like it's not anyone fault really it just how the world and how creative job work.



The problem part of me getting confirmed to have BPD is that currently my new meds are making me not able to get enough sleep. And maybe because of it. Seem like for the first time in ever I have a full complete art block. My normal art block is just subject based like furry art block, human art block, lewd art block. But now I just have an art block. So I'm not able to draw at all. Luckily but also not really is this total art block affect my work as well. I can still work but in a much, much slower pace. From something that take me one day, it takes me 3–4 days. Or I work around 6–8 hours, but now I can only push myself to just 1–2 hours.

I'm unable to focus on any specific commission, so I need to juggle and then that also didn't work because none of it progress enough lol. I will make a separate journal for my alt acc to inform commissioner. I'm hoping that this new meds is just.... in a period of adjusting to it and it will get better.

A good thing about art block is... usually in indicate that I'm near breakthrough of my own art and when I finally overcome my art block I usually get drastically improvement, so I'm excited to draw again and see what I have improve. But I just would like to be back drawing thing again, honestly. It's a good outlet for my overwhelmingly emotion.

But yeah for now I just.... in a weird space right now. Stay safe!
[I'm currently safe if you have been following thai politics, I'm far from the dangerous zone]