I'm going to be real, I'm not sure what would I want from my art. At first, I often get envy at other artist for having people interact with their art like get a lot of like/share and often thinking about why I can't have that too. So I work hard to improve my stuff It's for both love for my own art that I know that I can be so much more but also yeah kind of 'I hope people will notice me more!' It's a nice motivation with like visible goal.

But then I got decent follower number in FA and Bsky but… that doesn't make me happy. I'm not unhappy about people following me a lot, For example my post often doesn't really have more than 10 like except when it's kinky comms which it can get up to 100 but then now what? It doesn't really give me happiness like I thought it would but at the same time I don't hope for more. I know it's might be pretty low to get at most 100 since a lot of people probably get that on regular but yeah now what? I don't think 10 or 100 or 1,000 is gonna make me feel different. Like now that I have that number what i'm gonna do with that lmao

You gotta understand that popularity is… um for artist more eyes mean more potential commission yes? So I think hey maybe I'm doing it for money yeah? Money is nice help me pay my bill and then it let me buy cool stuff like comms other artist.

But then I often add something extra in art or give discount and feel stressed when people paying me the amount I think it's too much. I reject comms that I think I won't enjoy and won't do stuff that I hate so that I won't have the feeling of “I don't like it yucky kink shit but I have bill to pay” kind of situation. I'm very very upset about it whenever I see “Eww i don't wanna draw it but furry pay a lot' kind of joke.

I'm very lucky that I can pick and choose and most stuff that I do accept I do genuinely enjoy working on it. Like when I open commission. On the 1st day of posting I always get sick because of stress (my brain like to assume the worst as in having no income or like my career is over xD on the scale of feeling 1-5 my brain physically can't feel 2-4 only 1 or 5… so it's constant joy, empty or depressed or furious.) so I thought about opening sub star so I can at least feel less stress about comms. But at the same time… I feel like i'm not responsible enough. Not mature enough to do it and keep it consistence and worth every penny that anyone decide to give me.

Like GIRL/BOY, xylia what do you want exactly? Not frame or popularity? Not money? I don't have artist that I look forward to be like. No idol, No rival. I don't have desire to 'beat' anyone. It's pretty much all about me. I don't care if people did something better than me or did worst than me. I've always been pretty kinda self center-ish person. I've always been seen as that one arrogant bitch who think they're good at everything. Because I am- IF i'm not good at something, and I'm interested in it. I WILL MAKE MYSELF GOOD AT IT.

Everything is about me first, other people second. Most of the time, at least. I don't really care too much about other opinion on my art, except when i ask for it or when you paid me to draw stuff for you. Because I hate wasting time. I don't want client to wait 2 months+ and paid me to draw stuff only to feel disappointed or feel like they waste their own time and money for my art.

My only desire I know in art is like I want to get better. I've only interested in competing with myself. I love my art, I know my potential that I can be so much more but also like… the goal is so vague. That I could 'finish' it today and only to work on it again tomorrow. It feel like i'm lost and potentially make no progress. And one thing that I hate is 'wasting' time xD so um…. yeah I just don't know what I want.

It's so odd when I see recommend advice and how good is it to only competing with myself and don't compare yourself to other but like er… it's probably just me that i'm not really feeling too happy with it. I don't dislike it either but it's just like I said. I'm kinda lost. Like when people told me that they love my art, or my OCs or they read my rambling journal the reaction that I will always have is like 'aww thank you but i didn't know that you did' lmao.

Maybe I should make a goal more… specific? Like something that I know I make progress on? I also have heard and read that constantly wanting to improve yourself can kinda harm you also? like get burned out and always tired? Maybe that is why I feel like I don't want to draw personal art. Maybe I should just draw stuff for pure romance and porn brainrot and not thinking too much about cool lore and design? I did try to go out of comfort zone and try hyper stuff so we will see how that goes but i'm excited to draw!

Other than that I've been trying to get build lego or other lego-like toy because I suck at it. A LOT. I can't imagine thing in 3D and even the simplest build can took me 2 hours to get into it. I think it might help when I'm ready to learn how to draw complex background which is one of the thing I suck at and I don't want to be suck at.

Also I've been trying out remnant 1 and 2. I suck at soul-like game and I have negative bias about it. Mostly it remind me of 'gamer' which I have hard time seeing it as positive thing from personal experience. Like What kind of gamer are you? You just like chill and play game? Casual? Hardcore? Insanely competitive and complain how other people play it wrong? Or are you the worst kind of gamer possible? Not all gamer is bad but it's just my biased based on previous experience so… don't take it as i'm saying that you will be bad. Anyway other reason is just I dislike it when dark soul come out and people just throwing 'dark soul' at anything that is dark fantasy. So it's not really about the game or genre itself. So I want to try it.

I've also try witchfire out. Which is really fun as well! It's like I'm SO SUCK at both remnant and witchfire because I can't dodge shit. I died at the minion, in the first dungeon and in the first boss fight countless times but when I noticed I learn how each thing attack how to dodge. It's so fun to learn!? Each time I died or fail, it motivates me and encourage me to try again since the death system in both of these game is not that punishing. And to see i'm able to like progress… it feel so GOOD? even if only to fail again because i'm not looking or getting too cocky and get my ass kicked lmao (I'm looking at you darkest dungeon holy shit I love you but it's so punishing for my mistake xD I love you for it but I also hate you for it.)

Maybe I need something like that for art goal? or maybe i should take it easy. Idk I might just play game and think about it while I'm at it. Either way I hope anyone reading this far have a good week! I just want to yap and complain as usual.