2025posts:2025_journal:2025-02-26_life_stuff_and_possible_hrt []

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[Back up of FA journal]

Mostly rambling, so you can skip it if you wish

Last two weeks I experience intensive depression as in suicidal Ideation, a total loss of self-worth, I hate everything I hate my art I hate myself and I hate everyone else so much so that I almost have a violence outburst toward pretty much anyone. And as you know last two week is a week that I said I want to push myself to clear queue which is... a jackpot because I have period.

I just know what I experience during my period is not normal at all, The entire body pain, the cramps that render me almost unable to walk which pill is kinda not working most of the time but sometimes it does, the irregular occurrence of period, suicidal Ideation level of depression, insanely intensive mood swing (because i already have mood swing lol so period make it extra spicy) I struggle a lot. Like A lot and seem like it keep amplifying. I'm trying to be nice or even good person but my brain is stupid.

Yesterday I have a check-up with my doc and voice my concern that while I can holding back myself from doing stupid thing, but I fear it won't last long. My doc told me it's most likely because I have hormone imbalance and I should either taking T or E and of course consult with other doc further. And along with new meds for my depression and all that fun stuff. At least I can work without taking ADHD meds so it's something.

Pretty much I'm interested because hey if it helps with my period or at least make the symptom easier to deal with it will be a lifesaver for me, I guess I'm also interested in other way that is not just helping with period. I'm talking about gender stuff. I feel like I'm offering a chance to save my ass and also maybe the possibility to work toward who I am. I'm displeased with my breast, for sure. It feels wrong. It doesn't bother me as much, but it's always in a back of my head "man it would be so neat if it is much smaller, or I don't have them"


I'm also scared by it. I'm in no way a transmasc, I don't want to become a guy nor do I want to take more E to become even more girly. I feel every odd lol. I always see myself as both or something in between, so... that is kinda something to be ask which one I want more T or E? I did some research on a possible outcome and drawback that will happen and currently taking T feel more like a better choice, but of course I would need to have more talk with doc.

Pretty sure if my hormones are already messy as it is, I think it will have some impact on my work as well so I just want to tell about it. Also, I'm curious if anyone reading this far. Do you think I'm more masculine or feminine or something in between or interchanging back and forth? Your opinion will not have an effect on me, so feel free to be honest. I still won't tolerate transphobic shit tho. I mean you can say what you want, but I'm also freely to not listen to you and make you disappear from my sight.

edit: new meds cost me $150 per box and thai inseruce is not covering any of the mental illness shit so i won't be using new meds lmao