2024posts:2024_journal:2024-09-24_aggression_art_and_acceptance []

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====== Aggression, Art and Acceptance ======


I've been diagnosed with developing ASPD recently on top of Dysthymia and ADHD. My meds starting to fail me it seems. I have problem controlling my aggression urge. I think for me, it's more on the 'power' side more than 'violence' so when my meds fail me I find it hard not to express 'How I have power over them'. But I need a new way to handle it in case my meds keep failing me.

===== Artist with aggression =====

For random person that accidentally found this blog somehow. I'm an artist, if you can't already guess, ha. My number one outlet for my pent-up aggression is a sexual thing. I draw and occasionally write lore for my character to set the stage for me to draw. I love fantasy where there are clearly power imbalance and fear factor in. For the most part what I draw is usually just BDSM, latex, living suit and monsters. But I haven't really 'tries' to draw a darker fantasy of mine.

Have been reading resource for ASPD, discussion between those who have it or sexual abuse survivor have with their therapist. It seems to be a good idea to use my art to vent out my aggression. It certainly sounds appealing to me, since I'm already an artist. Making more art mean more chance to improve. More art more stuff to post online and then vent out my aggression in 'creative' way than to risk hurting other.

I don't necessary care about you but I do care about myself yes. Hurting other people make my life harder and I don't want to make my life harder than it should. So I think it's mutually beneficial for me and other people to 'be nice and not be an ass'. It make sense to me at least in a way that I understand it.

===== Trial, Uncertainly and Error =====

Problem is It's feeling I'm holding pandora box or standing near the deep abyssal pit. It's feel conflicting and to be honest scary. I legit want to get better control of my condition. I want to be 'better person' that benefit me and reduce a risk for me. But do I want to face myself? Do I want to know 'the real me'? From what I know and learn by interacting with other and what society expect of me is... well I would be 'unacceptable' by many social standards.

Horrifying. I'm both horrifying to face myself and how 'bad' I actually am. How much and far gone of me and how much I need to adapt and improve. I tempted to let myself goes wild with how I express my aggression and sexual fantasy to sated myself on my art. It may help keep it in control and more manageable. Yet with how internet and fandom is getting more and more puritan, I'm not too sure if I let myself loose what kind of consequence that will happen to me. Everyday I wake up and see discussion about 'Fantasy affect reality' and some people insist on 'If you like this ___ you want to do it IRL'

These kinds of people sorta instantly trigger my aggression. I think it's unfair to lump me (person who use 'problematic' sexual fantasy to cope and help me control myself) with actual sexual predator aka abuser who doesn't control themselves and actually act it on another person. I don't hurt other person. Nor do I want what is my sexual fantasy to happen to other people. Truth to be told i'm not afraid of these 'fantasy = reality' people. I'm not afraid of them. I'm afraid of me.

===== A path forward? =====

In any case, I'm going to try to explore myself and this kind of thing more. Hopefully will lead to acceptance and do my best to be 'kind' for other but mostly for myself (less trouble and more beneficial) and in the end I will probably need to face myself for all that I am and 'could' be.