2025posts:2025_journal:2025-10-21_👽_oct_monthly_random_yap []

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I remember I used to do this kind of public journaling each month, checking how I am doing, lol.

This month is messy. Mentally speaking, that is. My new meds put me to sleep until around noon or 1pm which is not a problem since I'm a freelancer, and I work from home and I work at night but still eh, but I guess I'm a bit more calm since it was advertised to do that.

Keyword is 'bit' more, Because I'm still playing to catch up with my brain trying to invent a new way to hurt me mentally. Currently, I'm struggling with drawing personal art because shitty brain told me no one going to want to see that, why bother? You made too much silja form now people will bored! You draw too much Zodia and Europa! Now it's lame etc. Same thing with lore and world building. A lot of times it also goes toward "If I leave my house this is might be the last day I live" which is shit. Leaving house to go for a walk is one of the best activities to make me sane, lol

But I have been combating with it by doing what it violently tells me not to do directly. Most of the time it effective. Save from drawing personal art, but that because my 'smugness' energy is very low atm. I'm not sure what word to use without making it sound bad, so forgive me for being blunt. When other people compliment me, It feel great but it wear off quickly my brain being like "nah they're just being polite' which make me can't enjoy compliment for long. And I feel like it's rude because people take time and effort to say nice thing to me! 

When I start drawing I don't get any compliment nor any support from home so I manage to just use my smugness to motivate me to draw. "What is? Oh my it looks great xylia!" "Oh look this art is also great!" "This art might not look to great but at least you did it!" Basically i give gold star to myself for doing anything lol and it worked. I have fun and quickly develop my art skill from the result of me 'ironically compliment myself' until it's not ironic anymore. But currently my smugness is on a low level so it needs to be refilled. And because of that I'm currently have hard time starting art. Like just the act of sketching become hard which I find a way to help with it. Which lead into next thing.

I have been using iPad to help me sketch the thing. It's quite effective as I can somehow translate or start drawing what I have in the head to the screen quickly. Which is great! But what is not great is my Apple Pencil pro which cost like $150 broke lmao. Customer support or like the fix guy said it's because of the inside metal bend so it's usable, and I can't fix it. I have to pay another $150 to get a new one. Which is kind of insane because it's just 6 months of use and no I didn't drop it or anything. So it seemed to bend just from me regularly using it. I know I have a death grip but like dam I didn't even do anything more outside sketching work + writing journal. I did found 3rd party fix tho, but it's like half of the price so I'm currently just unsure. I could get the cheaper 3rd party pen first because I just sketch and write diary. Pen pressure can be trade off I think. Regardless, fixing or getting my Apple Pencil working again won't be my priority for a while.

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Speaking of work, I remember I did say that I will make 1 or 2 more YCH this month. I didn't forget it. Originally I plan to have 3 TF sequence YCH. 

One for Silja which I already post
One for Hellion.ark
One for Magnus hive

I choose them because it's kind of 'evil' theme. Something like a night of 'villain' theme where all of my evil looking oc just come out to terrorize people. But as you know, my YCH is kind of a way for me to do experimental piece with, so I'm thinking about what to try. 

Hellion wise, I have one idea in my head for a long time but I have yet to realize it. I want it to be something like 'build a dungeon' which I just make a bunch of premade pose + monster for you to pick and then draw corruption base on that. For example. Room 1 slime and Room 2 Succubus and then for Room 3 I will just design your character corrupted in the same theme as Room 1 with Room 2 (Slime + Succubus) this one will probably remain a lot longer than other ych because I need to draw various monster option.

Magnus hive, I'm currently have no idea but I'd like to make one. Maybe I will make this sketchy YCH. Probably same with Silja sub one. I want to try making YCH that offer my character as victim xD but later I have work to do. I feel bit odd when I post YCH if I didn't already like finish sending sketch update. 

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Oh btw next month of 2-5 I will go on short holiday/vacation and I won't be brining my laptop to work!